Are we enduring our trials well?

My story starts back in 2006 when I made a bad decision to have a back-fusion surgery that resulted in thirteen major medical conditions over ten years, with a fourteenth condition of amputation arriving in 2016 after two bouts with Sepsis and the fifteenth condition, Cardiac Arrest that rendered me dead for at least seven minutes in June, 2019. My feelings are that during most of those thirteen years, I did not endure my trials well.

The reason I believe this is because I battled daily the influence of anger, pain, feelings of inadequacy and failure, and the desire to isolate myself from others to hide those feelings. That abyss became even darker with usage of over-prescribed narcotics and opioids. Around the sixth year of my thirteen year trial, I arrived at the point of nearly zero hope and began praying daily for a merciful release from this life. That prayer was never answered. I often felt that God was disappointed with me and that was why He didn’t answer my prayers. At times, I was so distraught that if God wouldn’t bring me home that I would need to take actions into my own hands. If not for the people in my life and my relationships with them, including our Heavenly Father and the Savior, I would not be alive today. I ask then, how can we endure our trials well? The first thing I did was during the seventh year of my trial, I went cold turkey off all narcotics and opioids. I was in the same amount of pain without them, but now I could begin to think coherently.

I speak the following from my own perspective and recognize that it may or may not apply to you, but I have come to the knowledge of a truism in my life, which is that every person I know has something I know nothing about. Now, even though I am unaware of the needs of others, the only ones who know every detail and the extent of my trials, including the level of faith and testimony, are God the Father and His Son Jesus Christ. When I finally understood and gained a thorough perception and knowledge of this fact, is when it became easier for me to trust Them and as I learned to focus on Them and others instead of myself and the trials I encounter, is when I found myself enduring my trials well and overcoming the obstacles in my path.

Elder Neil L. Andersen mentions that at times, little things can upend our balance. With all the empathy and sensitivity that I can muster and with the intent to not be contradictory, I would never presume that someone else is experiencing a little trial. It is likely that we have no idea how mammoth the experience may be for them and it is not our place to make that judgement. Rather, do as Alma taught in Mosiah 18: 8-9, as the people gathered at the Waters of Mormon, “Verse 8: and now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light; Verse 9: Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places.”

 As Elder Neil L. Andersen speaks of focus, it reminds me of my own transition to decision making toward focusing on others. Decision making has been described as exercising a muscle. The more decisions we make the easier it becomes, and we tend to make less mistakes and become stronger as a result, even when we make bad decisions. Our lives are not defined by our conditions. Rather, our lives are defined by the decisions we make and or don’t make. These decisions translate into eventual commitment.

 Finally, I recently shared a sentiment with a couple of friends, and I desire to share with you today the same. At no time, during this thirteen year trial did I lose my testimony or commitment to my family, the Savior and God the Eternal Father. Oh, absolutely, it waned seriously at times, thankfully I have learned to make decisions centered on focusing on others and remaining committed to not lose my testimony. It is my prayer that each of us have that resolve, focus and commitment, regardless of our obstacles.